I love this work. There isn’t a doubt in my mind that I’m where I’m meant to be and I have every intention of being a sexworker for a long time to come. I have been a sexworker for exactly 8 years this Sunday. Eight years of incredible experiences in many different cities, some experiences I’ll remember forever, and others not so great. I’ve made many connections and had a vast number of peers and friends. Over eight years, I’ve watched these peers come and go - often leaving due to hurt and burnout.
The biggest cause of burnout from all I’ve witnessed, is clients who demand more from the worker than they pay for. Making them jump through emotional hoops to get their pay, making them pander and put in excessive emotional labour to get their pay packet. I call this dangling a carrot. Dangling a carrot in this industry is the most manipulative thing clients can do. Dangling a carrot and saying - well here’s a big booking, you might get it if you’ll entertain me and kiss my ass incessantly through social media or emails etc, in order to earn the booking itself. That’s alot of energy and work before the booking even takes place. This may work for sugar arrangements, where the lady has only you to cater to - however in the sex industry our attention and energy is spread thinner - we have many men approaching us the right way that we must also look after.
So, I have learned in my eight years, not to engage these clients, because I have seen the hurt it causes when the carrot gets dangled further and further away and someone has to give more and more of themselves to someone to get paid. I have seen how the resentment towards clients builds and how the energy and spirit drains away from people I care about, when the industry demands so much more from them than is possible for any single person to maintain. When the emotional labour breaks someone because they have no energy left for themselves, and even very big ticket bookings are no longer worth the money. It becomes self-sacrifice.
I adore simplicity. I love that each time my phone goes off, someone is ready and waiting to see me - not stringing me along. I like that my men leave happy but without any false romantic ideas. I love that I have emotional freedom. I end each day uplifted, not drained. That is how I am still very happy in my work, how I will continue to be happy, and subsequently can start each day afresh and looking forward to the clients I see. Each and every man I see respects my time outside of our booking, and as a result I treat them well and there is no drama. I have definitely lost some clients because I won’t dance for my dinner, but I knew in the long run - it would hurt me so much more than it could offer me. My health, happiness and peace of mind are much more important to me than anyone's money.
It’s my belief that most men turn to this industry because it saves them the drama of pursuing casual relationships that could get messy and often aren’t as much fun as they’d like. So it perplexes me that a few men instil drama into the simplicity of paid sex for their own entertainment. This strikes me as narcissistic and for that reason, I cannot accept bookings from these people. My energy is required for the men that I see who are kind, and ultimately respectful of my time. Energy reserved for the best men is always returned - and that is so imperative to me to be able to continue providing the best experience for everyone. Energy and spirit is something I am very conscious and aware of, so I can protect my sanity and ability to enjoy this work and be able to give and receive freely. One cannot pour from an empty cup.
I am not naive enough to believe that clients of mine don’t occasionally feel attachment or love for me. I understand the nuances of human emotion and when you make love to someone enough times, feelings can arise. But as someone who practises compassionate detachment, I am able to give and receive from these men with kindness, while being able to manage the intricacies of feelings with a balanced degree of ‘head’ and ‘heart’. And still, these lovely men understand and respect my boundaries - because that is true love and kindness. To try and possess and demand more of someone than is offered, is not a form of love but a form of ownership, which in this industry serves no place at all and ultimately causes more pain and hurt than love itself ever could. Possessiveness and manipulation hold no place in this industry if you are to hold simplicity and enjoyment as its core values.
So I ask you, as you write another essay long email to an escort, or you slide into her DM’s with inane chatter, or call her just because you are lonely, to rethink your motives and put yourself in her shoes. You are one person, of many, many adoring men - what gives you the right to command her attention right now? Could you say it all when you book her next instead? Are you refilling her cup or are you taking from it?
I ask you kindly to put away that carrot, to stop demanding that women you claim to respect crawl over broken glass to claim it. Just flick her a txt (or call or email - read her bio) and give it to her the fun way.